Scrying

Scrying was an accidental discovery.

I was meditating on someone who was living across the world away and I felt his physical sensations. I felt him move, from laying on his back to his right side. The sensations were so specific that I had to break from meditation and text him.

After the initial Whoa!, he allowed me access to deeper layers of his emotions. His darkness and anguish. I felt that I could infect him with my own joy and surrender. Then I wondered if I could make him sweep the yard in the middle of the night, or if he might tell me his credit card numbers.

Scrying works like a search engine for the subconscious, it's that simple. Scrying is also disruptive to meditation, easier than asanas, and more entertaining than writing these long streams of consciousness.

The Betweens

It would help if you believe in the eternal soul, but if you don’t, just hang on to the idea of Google. 

Similar to how the Internet is the middle ground to all information available to man, there is a realm a little above/below/beside/off ours, that works like the middle ground for all things intangible. The Javanese call this place Khayangan. Carl Jung called it the Collective Unconscious. I call it the Betweens.

In the Betweens, unconscious, incalculable and ancient knowledge is stored and can be accessed. When we sleep and die, our souls wait in the Betweens. The Betweens is also where souls meet and exchange news with other beings.

Accessing the Betweens

When we enter the trance state of Sammadhi, or deep meditation, we physically emulate sleep without the loss of consciousness. Since our brain is really, really smart, after a while of practicing Sammadhi, neural paths get forged, creating a bridge between for the Collective Unconscious with the conscious.

While in the Betweens, the sharpest scryings can occur. Questions be presented, problems enlightened, conversations exchanged, and names get dropped.

It is worth noting that the point to meditation is not to scry or develop supernatural glitches. These abilities happen by accident and disrupt meditation. Okay?

Suggestions for Practice

• Scrying can be a useful tool for reflection and self-discovery. Whoever knows herself, knows and takes careful heed of her God, His Grace and Justice upon all beings.
• Scrying can lessen our dependence on note-taking and gadgets (and those gadgets’ chargers). We would just need to close our eyes to find a general direction to serve our purposes.
• Scrying also lessens the complications of socializing, especially if one member of such society is inconveniently dead or yet-to-be born.
• Between the living, scrying allows access to physical sensations. The scryer can take away some pain, and offer her own stock of wellness in its place. On the other hand, the same process is possible with negative sensations. This leads us to the importance of grounding.
• We came from earth, we live on earth, we eat from earth, and in death we return here too. Illnesses and emotions too are part this planet. Grounding is the act of directing illness and imbalance back to earth. Grounding can also take from earth the restorative energy to recalibrate our inner balance.
• Both scyring and grounding begin and end with meditation, but you need to eat properly to meditate properly. Yalla think about that.

Free for All, But

Once a person has conscious access to the Betweens, she also has access to the souls and secrets residing there. And just like Google, abundance of information means nothing without the patience and strength to apply it into daily practices. An idiot-savant has all tools to think and create, but not the ability to offer meaning.

We cannot comprehend beyond our capacity for coding and rehashing information. A scryer might have access to the secrets in the Betweens, but without wisdom and empathy, there is little meaning that can be taken from there.

Still, anyone who can access the Betweens, has access to our subconscious memory stored there (dreams, past lives, probable future). Someone who loves or hates you very much, would think about you a lot. Thought is another word for meditation. Long meditations naturally lead to creative discoveries, good or bad.

If it is any consolation, even if we are scrying for others with their permission, our intentions define our findings. Scryers can only find good in news and in others if they are good themselves.

Notes on Privacy

Privacy, whether on the Internet or in the Betweens, is a sacred privilege, and protecting it is a practice. Accessing the Betweens at a conscious state of mind automatically exposes the scryer. It's a karmic balance. Experienced scryers honor the sanctity of privacy for their own privacy's sake.

Finally, nobody leaves bed in the morning planning to return to it with a heavy conscience. That said, practice good faith but make use of the facts.

Yoga: A Relationship

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Teacher

My old Mysore Ashtanga teacher used to kick me out of class by the middle of the Primary series. He used to say that I'm too weak, too fat, too unsteady in the mind to advance anywhere in the series. And for the longest time, I believed him. Every time I got to practice on my own, I stopped around the part where this teacher would tell me to stop and leave the class. This went on for years.

Few months ago, a guest teacher came from India. Attending his classes meant that, unless something urgent is happening, we don't leave class until we've done the entire series. I ROCKED IT!

He didn't push or holler or tell us to do things. Mysore Ashtanga Yoga is SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT, a guided practice. If the student is able to reach 50% into the asana, the teacher will help make room for the student to reach 55%. If the student is able to reach 99% into the asana, the teacher will help make that 99% last longer. And if the student is able to perfect the asanas, a good teacher will set the stage for the asanas to turn into a practice: A tool for strength and meditation and guidance.

When my fat obstructed my hands from reaching behind my back, this new teacher sat behind me and guided my breath. When my mind chattered, he stood by my head and asked, "What are you thinking about?" - Not expecting an answer, but reminding me to leave the world and return to the mat. And when our breaths softened, he said, "I don't hear anything," to remind us of our Ujayyi breaths. 

I've been practicing Yoga for a gajillion years, but it was only with this teacher I found the confidence to practice an unsupported headstand in a classroom: The one who didn't take himself or his practice personally. The one who facilitated our growth, instead of judging it. 

A Kind of Hell

Nothing beats the fun and ease and concentration of practicing yoga together in a classroom. 

That said, ideally, the practice should remain with us wherever we may be. The reason why I chose to stick with this Yogic path is for its convenience. I don't need weights, shoes, or too much room to practice. I can practice yoga even if there is no driver to take me to the gym/classroom. With a teacher around or none, with a sparring partner or none. 

And there is no competition in Yoga, not with others, nor with yourself. There is no judgement, nobody's asana is better than another. There is only the practice: The body recites the sequence's mantra, the breath is the mind's anchor for stillness. Since there is no winning or losing in Yoga, there is no material reward, no compliments or criticism. You practice for the sake of the practice. 

Which can be very hard on someone who was raised to compete. Which can be very hard when your society expects you to impress. Which can be ridiculous when your face and legs are flat on the mat and there is nothing but your breath as sole company, day in and day out. 

This is a kind of hell, I tell myself on the 123rd breath into the practice. And that is when I usually quit. I usually blame the exhaustion or lack of focus for quitting early. 

But I can't get away with those excuses anymore. Not after I've had so many teachers. Not while practicing on the best mat in the market. Not after half-a-dozen 10-Day Vipassana courses. Meditation and strength and flexibility are not my weaknesses. 

Truth is, I can't bear the thoughts that come forth when I practice alone. 

Focus

If we react to what arises through the practice with aggression, injuries or physical and mental exhaustion may result. If we try to avoid or run away from the difficult postures by breaking the rules and skipping poses or practice, we will fall into the opposite extreme: laziness or inertia. Finding the middle path is usually what we all learn in Ashtanga, discovering our mental, physical and psychological behavior and getting to a place of acceptance and loving kindness towards ourselves and the world around us. 

From Ashtanga: Maintain Focus  by Alexia Bauer

Storage

• The body we have today is nothing but the accumulation of our past thoughts, emotions and actions. 

• Asana is the method that releases us from past conditioning, stored in the body, to arrive in the present moment.

• Practicing forcefully will only superimpose a new layer of subconscious imprints based on suffering and pain. 

From Ashtanga Yoga: Practice and Philosophy, by Gregor Maehle

Setback. Well, kinda.

Few days ago, I did the entire Ashtanga Primary Series. The whole thing. With Vinyasas between the forward bending sequences, and continuous Ujjayi breathing. From Aleph until Khatam. Even did a long, unsupported headstand. 

Then hell broke loose and my hemorrhoids went crazy. 

In the Ashtanga book by Gregor Maehle, there is something about anger being stored in the hamstrings and grief in the chest. During that last practice, I had managed to disregard all the feelings that came forth through the asanas. (I don't know how. I still have to figure out the right combination of eucalyptus balm and sleep to regain that kind of unflinching and continuos focus.)

And the universe just couldn't let too much of a good thing going. Maintaining focus for that long and disregarding the emotional influx backfired on my ass, literally. 

The good side of having an inflamed bottom is the sudden concentration on liquified high-fiber diet. I never thought it's possible, but easy pooping is not a myth, you hear?! It's possible with just enough papayas and apple vinegar! I may never get to do the Primary series ever again, but I CAN POOP!

Ahem. 

Fluctuate 

I had a hard practice this morning. I knew everything I needed to do to keep at it. I just couldn't. By the end of the forward-bends, I couldn't pick myself up anymore. No asana is too easy once the thoughts set in and take over. 

To make things worse, I took it hard on myself. I had to cuddle up with my master and succumb to defeat. 

What should I do?

He patted my head. "Keep at it. Try again tomorrow. It'll get easier with time. Everything does."

So it does. 

The Darling Saudis

A Saudi woman in voluntary exile is visited by fellow Saudis. They commence on encouraging her to end her exile, return to Saudi. She considers her options. 

_______________

Yazan Made of Wonders

I held Yazan's head in my lap. “You masturbated, didn’t you?”

“Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t.”

“More than once?”

He turned his face away, his burning cheek pressed on my knee.

The next day, I heard his thoughts. I heard his thoughts through his journey back to Saudi, from the hotel to the airport to the check-in line to the waiting lounge to the passengers cabin. I heard his thoughts about, if he could grow strong enough to make his own choices, he would choose Sarah, the woman he has loved for so long.

I heard, later in the evening, when the plane's lights were dimmed and sleep dawned, his thoughts on how he would have fucked me from every hole and position in that coach cabin. I heard his kink and felt pink. 

Does it effect on a man watching the woman underneath him churn and hurt in ecstasy? Does it make him feel stronger, bigger and closer to his ideal? 

Does a woman feel more woman when she can reach the apex of her womanhood and hold it for so long? What would've been worse, one who comes too easily or one who never comes at all? 

And I wondered if this is just another lusty ruse, if I'm just making up excuses to get laid. If this is just another distraction or infatuation taking force. 

Insane Wonders

Saudi has always been more than just a country. It’s home and family and identity. I adore and hate and lust her, my country. 

Since I refused to go to Saudi, Saudi sent her messengers to me, Mshari and Yazan. And they did as they were bid. Two horrified, oedipal Saudis sat in my living room and encouraged me, as gently as they could, to go home. “Give it a shot. See how it works. Things have changed.”

Saudi, without marriage, already drives me mad. Imagine if I were married and deeply lodged in the social system? There is no such thing as a sane Saudi. I won’t even be sane enough to decide on how to spend my evenings with all that noise.

I told them that I am in Indonesia for sanity. The only thing that would send back to Saudi would be a bout of insanity: Falling madly in love. 

***

Obviously, all this is designed to confuse. I needed to count the pros and cons. What do I get out of going to Saudi, and what do I get if I just stay in exile after all?

Pros of Living in Saudi: 

1. I can make a lot of money. Own things.

2. Get a job. Write. 

3. Get married, get laid, have children.

4. Be with old friends and family.

5. Have every kind of tea and dairy and achar ever known on earth.

6-10. Affirmations: Kunafah. Shawarma. Baklava. Ma’soub. Hummus. 

Cons:

1. "What personal freedom?"

2. A job is only as interesting as it can get.

3. Money can only entertain so far.

4. "What privacy?"

5. If married: In-laws. If single: Mama. 

6 - 10. Abstraction: Culture - Commonness - Comments - Context - Calling.

What's Saudi got that is worth the trouble? What's she got to make me move so far and heavy? What's she done for me that Indonesia hasn't?

These questions will answer themselves when the time comes for me to know. Like all of my questions, the questions that I have asked before and groped for answers, I'll know when the time comes. كل شي في وقته منيح.

And the best thing out all this wonderment, is the realization that I have a choice. That makes me fucking cash. I have a choice and the time to weigh my options. I am that rich. I've been blessed. 

***

I live in a very narrow world. 

I wanted to expand on it, fill it with more oomph and oh-la-la. That was one of the reasons why I left Saudi in the first place; I felt choked. 

Instead, I got stuck there, in the past. Relieved but unpassed. I’ve been twenty-five for eight years. I haven't gone anywhere else. This also illustrates the nature of my relationships with others. Ever since I defied the norms, the norms dropped me too. 

Yazan's Saudiness prodded me with devil’s talk and questions:

- What if I had been good?

- What if I let them have me their way? 

- What if I married like everyone else?

- What if I never left?

- What if...and never the answers. 

I stared long into the devil’s void, challenging its devouring emptiness. "Are you done yapping, ingrate?"

***

It felt wrong for Yazan to leave the house at two in the morning. If the neighbors were going to talk, then I had better make it worth their while. So we took turns, Yazan and I, to shower and unwind. We undressed into sarongs and shirts, then sorted the bed. The silent domesticity affirmed flighty thoughts and purged idle talk. 

I said, “See, I don't got me a man I can call mine, but I ain't alone. I don't get to do everything, but what I do get to do is not bad either. I don't want everything, because having everything would have been boring.”

And the boy who was pulling my bedsheets in my clothes said, "Alia, buck up. You ain't ugly. You're worth the fight."

Happiness is worth the fight. 

Booze of Wonder

I’ve had booze and the Sight hasn’t shut down. 

I thought that committing sin would shut down my Indigo abilities; I would be normal. Normal and homogenous go very well with Saudi. Since the man who taught me to drink was a Saudi, I returned the karmic favor by teaching Yazan how to drink. 

But I can still hear them. I can still hear the voices in my head, of spirits and men. Not as loud as they used to, not to point of distraction. But clear enough. Urgent enough. And it has made me wonder if nothing would shut them down.

It made me wonder if I could ever fit into the Saudi society. Or if the rules only matter when I am with the Timekeeper, my imam and father and guardian.

Then I remembered. What hasn’t the Timekeeper done and given to make my life comfortable, ingrate?

Mshari's Gift

“Well, we kissed,” I said.

Irhan came for dinner after the Saudis were gone. He knew that Yazan and Mshari had left that morning, and I was blue with homesickness. I told him about Yazan sleeping over. Irhan cocked his head to the side. “Did he try to...?”

“No, he didn’t. The very-available and very-tempted Saudi just kissed me. I sensed him, from the way he kissed, I sensed his edge and need. I sensed him trying his damndest to control himself. He isn’t accustomed to being in a situation where sex is an option that is not taken. All the times he’s been in private with women, he has had his heart’s content. Temptation is a terrible thing.”

“But he's Saudi. How could he not…”

“He’s been previously informed, actually.”

“By who?”

“Mshari.” 

“Mshari, who is Yazan's friend and is your family.”

“Yes. Mshari took the time to tell Yazan in private about me. Then he left us alone. He stood aside. That was his gift. Mshari made us happy just by backing off. He must love us that much. We’re grateful. I am.”

Every Time I Tried to Quit Writing

Most of these days, I don't like writing. 

I don't know what happened. Zaman, this used to be the cornerstone of my existence, and now this long dala3 is getting me too lazy to write anymore. Like who cares, no?

WE'VE GONE OVER THIS A MILLION TIMES!! You learn, you teach, you write. 

If you're not learning, you're stuck. If you're stuck, you are regressing. If you are regressing, you are accelerating your age and senility, OY!

The only way you can postpone and fight senility is by keeping your liquid memory fluid! It's the easiest way to regenerate and renew. You read and practice and learn something new every day. And that knowledge is worth passing because you are not the only one on this boat. So write about that!

And even if you're not teaching, even if you're just talking to your own people and community whom you know each and every one of them by name and nickname, your voice sustains gloomy skies from crashing and mistakes from happening even for a bit longer. 

Say that you're learning, but you're not teaching/writing, then your knowledge goes to waste in that thick head of yours! A frigging waste! The knowledge you got came from a long lineage of teachers who have fought and died and suffered to pass on their knowledge. You owe it to them to write.

(I have the meanest voices in my head.)

WRITE!!

Tayeb, tayeb, khalas. I'll write now. Dageega.